Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
