her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
my liver is dry heaving
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
