Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
my phone needs a breathalizer
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Randomize
