you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
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