Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
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