I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
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