I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
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