The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Randomize
