Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
25 People Didn’t Realize They Were Talking To Someone Famous
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
21 People Tragically Stumbled Upon A Dead Body
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.