This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
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the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
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i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.