His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...