Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
15 Ridiculous Ways Broke People Managed to Make a Buck
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
These 27 C*ck Blocks Are Savage AF
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.