I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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