The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
