I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Randomize
