im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
your like the ambassador to my penis.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
