I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Randomize
