Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Randomize
