I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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