Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
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