guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
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