Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Randomize
