i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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