come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
