Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
