i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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