i just sold back the books i vomitted on
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
