Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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