I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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