Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
