Umm I'm too high to move.
the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Life is so much better after having sex.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
