So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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