why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Randomize
