if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
