Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
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Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
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Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life