I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!