I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
