i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
My pussy is not your playground.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
