and she was petting her beer can
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
