This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
