There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
