he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Randomize
