I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Randomize
