Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize
