I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
It's rum buckets o'clock
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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