I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
