i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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