Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
