I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
