his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
