Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
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This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
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Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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