His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
did i just pee glitter
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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