Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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