I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
