Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
