I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Randomize
