The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Randomize
