Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single