is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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