Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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