He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
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It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
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