and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize