We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
