Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Randomize
