omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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